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Ha ha!!!  I can't believe I still have this.....but I do!!!  Implicit, are you still around??  I always liked your posts.......I will update this thing soon.  Ha!  I love that I stumbled back into this, I forgot how much I loved this kitty picture.

"she needs you more than she wants you..."

i do not appreciate life and her little jokes. the one person who i share unconditional love with i can't be with, the person i am completely infatuated with and have so much in common with who did like me keeps acting weird making me act weird therefore making us both fucking idiots who maybe are or aren't seeing each other, and a gay man i work with just told me he is very attracted to me and really likes me, but i don't like him and to top it off i am not a gay man. i should be flattered or whatever, but he isn't the boy in the middle, the one i am infatuated with and i am sick of it.
hey CPR, did you get my reply? i tried to screen it but i think that means you can't see it either? you know how computer stupid i am!!
i saw the shins, they are very good live, however it was an all ages show that we got to late and had to sit, i would rather be standing and dancing, ah well.

May. 4th, 2005

ok, not to be a silly girl, but i am gonna be a silly girl!
i need guy advice, so any nice guys who read this let me know...if not i keep it to myself :)

in other news, in just a wee bit over a week i get to see the shins!!!!! i haven't been to a show since radiohead so i am really excited!


it is so overwhelming to be this overwhelmed.
i am not old, but i am feeling really old. i don't know what to do. i have these moments to my life, things about my life that i really love, but i need more than what i am creating for myself...but i don't want to lose the things i have that are good, i just don't know that they can co-exist. and once again it is keeping me from sleeping. as soon as everything is mellow and quiet i just go in circles in my head. i don't know what to do, but i do, and then i don't. i really don't like being this person.

on the bright side, i get to home to see my family for the holidays and at the same time am able to skip out on yet another field trip with the kids to the awful aquarium.
i think this was written by someone in MA, at least that is what the newspaper said, and it was given the title, "fuck the south":

Fuck the South. Fuck 'em. We should have let them go when they wanted to leave. But no, we had to kill half a million people so they'd stay part of our special Union. Fighting for the right to keep slaves - yeah, those are states we want to keep.

And now what do we get? We're the fucking Arrogant Northeast Liberal Elite? How about this for arrogant: the South is the Real America? The Authentic America. Really?

Cause we fucking founded this country, assholes. Those Founding Fathers you keep going on and on about? All that bullshit about what you think they meant by the Second Amendment giving you the right to keep your assault weapons in the glove compartment because you didn't bother to read the first half of the fucking sentence? Who do you think those wig-wearing lacy-shirt sporting revolutionaries were? They were fucking blue-staters, dickhead. Boston? Philadelphia? New York? Hello? Think there might be a reason all the fucking monuments are up here in our backyard?

No, No. Get the fuck out. We're not letting you visit the Liberty Bell and fucking Plymouth Rock anymore until you get over your real American selves and start respecting those other nine amendments. Who do you think those fucking stripes on the flag are for? Nine are for fucking blue states. And it would be 10 if those Vermonters had gotten their fucking Subarus together and broken off from New York a little earlier. Get it? We started this shit, so don't get all uppity about how real you are you Johnny-come-lately "Oooooh I've been a state for almost a hundred years" dickheads. Fuck off.

Arrogant? You wanna talk about us Northeasterners being fucking arrogant? What's more American than arrogance? Hmmm? Maybe horsies? I don't think so. Arrogance is the fucking cornerstone of what it means to be American. And I wouldn't be so fucking arrogant if I wasn't paying for your fucking bridges, bitch.

All those Federal taxes you love to hate? It all comes from us and goes to you, so shut up and enjoy your fucking Tennessee Valley Authority electricity and your fancy highways that we paid for. And the next time Florida gets hit by a hurricane you can come crying to us if you want to, but you're the ones who built on a fucking swamp. "Let the Spanish keep it, it’s a shithole," we said, but you had to have your fucking orange juice.

The next dickwad who says, "It’s your money, not the government's money" is gonna get their ass kicked. Nine of the ten states that get the most federal fucking dollars and pay the least... can you guess? Go on, guess. That’s right, motherfucker, they're red states. And eight of the ten states that receive the least and pay the most? It’s too easy, asshole, they’re blue states. It’s not your money, assholes, it’s fucking our money. What was that Real American Value you were spouting a minute ago? Self reliance? Try this for self reliance: buy your own fucking stop signs, assholes.

Let’s talk about those values for a fucking minute. You and your Southern values can bite my ass because the blue states got the values over you fucking Real Americans every day of the goddamn week. Which state do you think has the lowest divorce rate you marriage-hyping dickwads? Well? Can you guess? It’s fucking Massachusetts, the fucking center of the gay marriage universe. Yes, that’s right, the state you love to tie around the neck of anyone to the left of Strom Thurmond has the lowest divorce rate in the fucking nation. Think that’s just some aberration? How about this: 9 of the 10 lowest divorce rates are fucking blue states, asshole, and most are in the Northeast, where our values suck so bad. And where are the highest divorce rates? Care to fucking guess? 10 of the top 10 are fucking red-ass we're-so-fucking-moral states. And while Nevada is the worst, the Bible Belt is doing its fucking part.

But two guys making out is going to fucking ruin marriage for you? Yeah? Seems like you're ruining it pretty well on your own, you little bastards. Oh, but that's ok because you go to church, right? I mean you do, right? Cause we fucking get to hear about it every goddamn year at election time. Yes, we're fascinated by how you get up every Sunday morning and sing, and then you're fucking towers of moral superiority. Yeah, that's a workable formula. Maybe us fucking Northerners don't talk about religion as much as you because we're not so busy sinning, hmmm? Ever think of that, you self-righteous assholes? No, you're too busy erecting giant stone tablets of the Ten Commandments in buildings paid for by the fucking Northeast Liberal Elite. And who has the highest murder rates in the nation? It ain't us up here in the North, assholes.

Well this gravy train is fucking over. Take your liberal-bashing, federal-tax-leaching, confederate-flag-waving, holier-than-thou, hypocritical bullshit and shove it up your ass.

And no, you can't have your fucking convention in New York next time. Fuck off.

i found it online at fuckthesouth.com

"not so crescent fresh"

i came across a public access show tonight. it was a sock puppet guy with a talk show....seems to me he was trying to be "sifl and olly". only he couldn't pull it off. you just can't top THAT sock puppet show. does anyone else remember it??? my friend and i got turned on to it one night when we were totally wasted, and NO ONE seems to have heard of it. it was really funny. i miss it. i miss chester. *sigh*

i miss my sweetie when he is gone.

and.....yadda yadda yadda :)

long but a good read

Wallow In Chaos, And Laugh
A pro-Bush outcome and one enormous bitter pill and you without your vodka By Mark Morford, SF Gate Columnist

Wednesday, November 3, 2004

Oh dear God please not again.
Oh dear God please don't let it be all convoluted and depressing and messy and stupid and please don't let it all embarrass us on an international level all over again even more than it already has and even more than it already is and even more than we've endured lo these past four debilitating and soul-crushing years. Hello? Please? Is it already too late?

Why yes, yes it is.

And lo and behold, it was apparently another completely tortuous and entirely knotted presidential election, unfinished until the wee hours and reeking of E-voting suspicion and exit-poll miscalculaton and it all came down to, what? Ohio? Are you serious? What a thing.

And now Kerry's conceded and the white flag has been raised and we are headed toward the utterly appalling notion of another four years of Bush and another Republican stranglehold of Congress and repeated GOP chants of "More War in '04!"

Which is, well, simply staggering. Mind-blowing. Odd. Gut-wrenching. Colon-knotting. Eyeball-gouging. And so on.

You want to block it out. You want to rend your flesh and yank your hair and say no way in hell and lean out your window and scream into the Void and pray it will all be over soon, even though you know you're an atheist Buddhist Taoist Rosicrucian Zen Orgasmican and you don't normally pray to anything except maybe the gods of really exceptional sake and skin-tingling sex and maybe a few luminous transcendental deities that look remarkably like Jenna Jameson.

It simply boggles the mind: We've already had four years of some of the most appalling and abusive foreign and domestic policy in American history, some of the most well-documented atrocities ever wrought on the American populace and it's all combined with the biggest and most violently botched and grossly mismanaged war since Vietnam, and still much of the nation still insists in living in a giant vat of utter blind faith, still insists on believing the man in the White House couldn't possibly be treating them like a dog treats a fire hydrant.

Inexplicable? Not really. People want to believe. They want to trust their leaders, even against all screaming, neon-lit evidence and stack upon stack of flagrant, impeachment-grade lie. They simply cannot allow that Dubya might really be an utter boob and that they are being treated like an abused, beaten housewife who keeps coming back for more, insisting her drunk husband didn't mean it, that she probably had it coming, that the cuts and bruises and blood and broken bones are all for her own good.

And this election, it might be all be very amusing, in a Mel Gibsony, blood-drenched hamburger-of-Christ sorta way, were it not so sad and dangerous. It might all be tolerable and cute, in a violence-engorged, sexist, video-gamey sorta way, were it not so lopsided and wrong.

This election's outcome, this heartbreaking proof of a nation split more deeply and decisively than ever, it simply reinforces the feeling among much of the educated populace: It is a weirdly embarrassing time to be an American. It is jarring and oddly shattering and makes you rethink what it really means to be a part of this country. The answer: It doesn't mean much at all. Not really. Not anymore.

This is the common wisdom on the progressive Left. Those first four toxic Bush years? A fluke. A phantasm. A stolen election. A gaff, a mugging, a crime. But this? An election this close makes you reconsider. Maybe, after all, we aren't nearly as far along as we think. Maybe we're not all that sophisticated or nuanced or respectable a nation as we sometimes dare to dream.

Maybe, in fact, we're regressing, back to the days of guns and sexism and pre-emptive violence, of environmental abuse and no rights for women and an sincere hatred of gays and foreigners and minorities. Sound familiar? It

should: It's the modern GOP platform.

Here's the thing: For tens of millions of us, it is simply unconscionable that we could possibly be led for another four years by a small and spoiled little man who has very little real idea what he's doing and even less of how the hell he got there. It would be funny, in a Adam Sandler, toilet-humored sort of way, were it not so poisonous and depressing. And yet it looks like we're stuck with it, like a shard of glass buried deep in the eye.

And the rest of the world? Well, it can only watch us and shake its collective head and wonder just what the hell is wrong with us, why so many millions of us would even consider re-electing the world's most inept and war-hungry and insanely inarticulate man to four more years of unchecked power, why our much-hyped much-coveted supposedly ultra-superior democratic system is so very deeply blotchy and knotty and spoiled.

So then, to much of Europe, Asia, Canada, Mexico, Russia, the Middle East
to all those dozens of major world nations who want Bush out almost as much as the educated people of America, to you we can only say: We are so very, very sorry. We don't know how it happened, either. For tens of millions of us, Bush is not our president and never will be. That's how divisive. That's how dangerous. That's how very sad it has become.

The GOP steamroller appears to be just too powerful, just too well-oiled and blood soaked and fear inducing to be stopped just yet. After all, the Right has been working on this master plan and building their takeover strategy for about forty years. It's gonna take those of us working for change and progress and raw spiritual juice a little more than one or two to dissolve it away like the cancer it so obviously is.

Apparently, there are lessons yet to be learned. Apparently we must hit some sort of new low between now and 2008, attain some sort of seriously vicious status in the world before we will snap out of it. You think?

This much is clear: We are not, with a grim Bush victory, headed for buoyancy and friendship and sincere hope for something new and refreshing. We are not, with another four years of what we just endured, headed toward any sort of easing of bitter tension, a sense of levity, or sexual openness, or true education, or gender respect, or a lightness of spirit and of step.

Maybe the best we can hope for, at this ominous and slightly sickening moment, is one hell of a lot more patience.

way to fucking go america

i can't say i am surprised
i am still disgusted, i don't get what in the hell people are thinking.
i guess it makes people feel good to have a president who sounds even more idiotic than them.
i guess it is time for us to all flee the country, woohoo.

books make me happy

i just finished reading a book called Carter Beats the Devil by glen david gold, it was really good!! now i wanna be a magician, damnit!! i am always excited to finish a really good book, and then sad, because now it is all over :(. i guess most people feel that way about reading.
i am still working at the club. every time i am ready to give my notice the kids and i start to get a long with no problems for days on end, until they decide to be evil again. i also got my headshots a week and a half ago. it is weird to get all these pictures of myself (i get all critical :) ), but the photographer did a really great job, and i got a 150 copies, all free of charge. but i am feeling disappointed in myself and guilty because i have done nothing with them so far. instead i have been hiding and reading. i know what i need to do, and i want to start doing it all, but for some reason it isn't happening. the whole reason i contacted this particular photographer, in addition to our trades (me his cheap and mostly free groceries, him his photos in exchange) was the fact he had told me he would only do the pictures when i was ready to use them, otherwise they are useless. so this was supposed to keep me motivated. so i will do it.........

in other news, i love the fall, i love the month of october, and i love halloween. awwwww.......